Back To December
by alloverkenlos
Summary: Kenlos based fic. Based on the song Back to December by Taylor Swift. Warning: Death involved.


Back to December

"_Carlos.. this isn't going to work out. I'm sorry.." Kendall says, keeping his head towards the ground; afraid to look up and see the sadness in Carlos's face. Kendall waited for a response, but nothing was said. He looked up at Carlos, and his heart shattered. Carlos had tears running down his face, and looked as if he was kicked in the stomach._

"_I-I don't understand.. Kendall, please" Carlos stuttered, walking towards Kendall, looking into his eyes for an explanation. Kendall tried so hard not to bring him into his embrace again, to feel his warmth coming from his body. "Kendall, p-please talk to me..Kendall!" Carlos shouted through the choked sobs in his throat. Kendall raised his head again, bringing Carlos into a small hug; kissing his forehead. _

"_I'm sorry Carlos.. I can't do this.. I have to go" Kendall responded, letting go of Carlos and headed towards the front door. Carlos ran after him, grabbing his hand, making Kendall look back at him. "Please don't go Kendall" he whispered as more tears fell down. Kendall began to cry himself, knowing exactly he was doing. "I'm sorry Los, I can't" he said, opening the front door, shutting it behind him and walking towards his car. As he got in, he could now hear the heart-wrenching sobs coming from Carlos. He looked at his house one last time, and then drove off as silent tears fell down Kendall's face._

Kendall sat motionless on the couch for what seemed like the second week in a row. He just couldn't sleep without someone next to him. Someone like Carlos. Every night he regrets leaving, but he had to. Something in Kendall's heart told him that Carlos could find someone better, that he wasn't right for him. Kendall didn't deserve Carlos at all. Carlos gave everything in the relationship, while Kendall didn't even put in half the effort. Kendall did love Carlos, but all he gave him was a goodbye.

And now that there was nothing left, Kendall couldn't help but feel that empty hole in his heart. He wanted Carlos to come back, to feel his embrace again. He missed everything about Carlos. His adorable laugh whenever they would go on long roadtrips and Kendall would sing obnoxiously along to the radio. His cute little smile that would come out from the silliest of things. The way his skin glistened in the sun whenever they would go swimming together.

Kendall didn't realize how much he really had when Carlos was his. He just wanted to make things right again. So he knew what he had to do. Kendall got up from the couch, grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and began to write.

_Dear Carlos,_

_Well, I know you probably don't want to hear from me. In fact, it would make sense if you never wanted to hear or speak to me again. I know I hurt you. Badly. And I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you, I just thought leaving you was the best thing I could give you. You deserve someone so much better than me; I can't give you what you want. I'm not the person you were looking for in a relationship. I'm such a shitty person, I don't understand why you refused to let me say no on going on a date with you. Because I don't deserve you Los. You're such an amazing person. I go back to December; to our 1 year anniversary. I think about it all the time. It felt to be that close to you, to know that we'll always have a special connection with each other. I remember during the summer when we would go on our stupid little road trips just to be alone with each other for a few days. I miss hearing your laugh and seeing your smile. I remember when September rolled around and I was having that really bad day, and you just held me the entire night while I cried. You know, that was the first time I've ever cried in front of you. At this point, you probably think I'm just rambling, but I'm just trying to find the right words to say. When I decided to leave, I thought I would finally know what 'freedom' felt like. But you know what, freedom is nothing but missing you. What I'm trying to say Carlos is that I'm sorry for that night. I'm sorry for what I did to you. When I heard your sobs coming from the house as I was leaving, I just wanted to run back in and bring you into the biggest hug and say that everything was going to be okay. But I didn't. And I regret every moment. I'm sorry Carlos.._

_Kendall_

Kendall folded the letter and stuffed it into his pocket. He grabbed his keys and headed out the door and took off to Carlos's. He wanted to give him this letter in person, hoping that everything would be okay in the end and that he could feel the embrace he's missed. He pulled up into the driveway at Carlos's house, noticing that his car wasn't there. Kendall still had a key to his house, so he let himself in. He took in the smell, bringing tears to his eyes. Kendall had missed being here whenever they had a movie night. He walked to the bedroom, letting the tears finally fall from his eyes. On Carlos's bed, he noticed the hoodie Kendall had given him one night when he was cold. He sat down on his bed, putting his head in his hands, letting out the same heart-wrenching sobs Carlos let out.

Kendall looked up from his hands, and noticed a note on Carlos's desk. He walked over and started to read:

_Dear Kendall,_

_If you're reading this, then you should know that I'm still hurting. I cry myself to sleep every night, not knowing what I did wrong for you to leave. I thought what we had was something worth fighting for, but you just threw it away like it was nothing. I have no idea if I would ever take you back. Honestly I can't_

That's all he wrote. Kendall dropped the piece of paper, letting it fall to the ground. He took out the piece of paper from his pocket, laying it on the bed.

Carlos had pulled up to his house, and noticed that Kendall's car was parked in the driveway. His heart practically fell out of his chest as he ran into his house. But when he walked into his bedroom, he fell to his knees and screamed. There was Kendall, hanging from the hook in the closet, with a belt wrapped around his neck. Carlos noticed the note he forgot to finish writing on the floor. Shaking uncontrollably, he wrote the last line of the letter:

_Honestly I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you_

He set down the pen, running over to Kendall, taking him down from the hook. It was too late, he was gone.

With that, Carlos pulled the trigger against his head, leaving to go back to December for the rest of their lives.


End file.
